Sometimes the most difficult thing we can do is to let go of a goal. In two weeks I’m registered to run the Philadelphia Half Marathon. This would be my second consecutive year running this race. And, after today’s training run it’s apparent I’m just not going to be ready. I need to let go of this goal.

During my run this morning around mile 4 it was clear my body was not capable of finishing a grueling half marathon.  And I started to beat myself up. The inner critic was loud and obnoxious. She told me I was a failure and that I should have trained harder. She told me I let her down.  But then…something really incredible happened. I told the inner critic to fuck off.

I’m not a failure. In fact, I’m the opposite. I’ve survived an emotionally devastating separation, I survived being financially strapped, being alone in the dead of winter with a broken heart and a bleak outlook. And, I survived a major health scare. Diverticulitis is no joke. I dropped 10 pounds this summer and even landed myself in the ER because of dehydration…..and I survived all that. So, it’s no wonder my body isn’t quite where it should be. It’s been a long year. But I am so much stronger than my 4.5 mile run would indicate. I may not be conditioned enough to pull off 13.1 miles in two weeks, but I am strong enough to know when to quit, and to love myself for it.

There will be other races. And maybe my body will never allow me to run 13.1 again. It’s not clear to me yet. The diverticulitis has affected my body in ways I hadn’t expected. Things are different now.

And I’m beginning to realize just how different I am from a year ago. I believe in myself again.  I am excited about my future. It looks bright and adventurous. Shutting down my inner critic and being OK with letting go of the half marathon is a huge sign of how far I’ve come. The old me would have sulked and hated myself. Instead, I told myself it was ok…that there will be other races.  And instead of focusing on what I’m not accomplishing, I’m seeing all that I have achieved. In the face of so many obstacles, I’ve learned to love myself again. And that just might be the greatest achievement of all.

Onward and upward.