I woke up this morning to find this lovely note on the floor by my bed.

It was left by my daughter, as a sweet start to my birthday.  I came to the dining room, as instructed, and found her standing by a plate of hot cinnamon rolls and a beautifully wrapped gift. I did not cry. Nope. (Did).

I will admit that I was feeling a bit blue today. I don’t know why exactly. I suppose I had my head up my ass. Or maybe it has something to do with the past year…and this new life…and how lonely it felt to wake up alone on my 47th birthday.

Ok. There it is. The real reason for the birthday blues. I’m 47. How the fuck did that happen?  Wasn’t I just skinny dipping in the Holiday Inn Pool after enjoying a very long happy hour at Wanda’s, Mechanicsburg’s ultra night life experience? (that was 1995). Where did my free-wheeling, perfectly toned, super energetic self with a high metabolism go?

Damn it!

And here’s the thing about the age thing…no one ever lets you complain about it. There’s always someone older…someone who has a perspective they are all too happy too share that will suddenly jolt you from your pathetic “I’m not young anymore” funk. I dare you to try!

Here’s the thing. I surely never thought I’d be waking up alone on my 47th birthday. I mean, who does envision that, right? The way I thought my life would be and the way it actually turned out to be is vastly different. So….I find myself having these “How did I get here” moments.

In many ways I feel like I’m starting over. So many things are new. And it’s scary. With the big 5-0 lingering around the corner I find myself becoming worried about the future. Do I have time to invest enough/save enough to care for myself when I’m older? Will there be someone to care for me if I’m sick?  Will I get the gout? Will my breasts fall to my navel? These are the fears behind my stigma associated with today’s birthday number. It’s not so much waking up without a partner beside me, as it is waking up realizing that I’ve past the middle age point. It’s definitely a bit of a “Holy Shit” moment.

But ya know. The one lesson I need to hold on to is this: No one knows what the future holds. My life is good. And I am in control of it.   All the planning in the world can’t prepare us for the unexpected. Sometimes life just throws you a curve ball. I’d like to think I’ve been training pretty hard for those pitches.  I can’t lose sight of my strength. I’m one tough cookie.

A good friend sent me the following note for my birthday, and it was the greatest gift. I love this perspective and I feel compelled to share it:

“A late great old friend used to declare the secret answer to everything in the universe was not 42, but 47 and if you look around enough, you’ll notice it’s true.” 

I have no idea what that means, exactly. But I love the idea of there being some magic behind 47. Because, truth be told, I do feel different. Life feels different. I feel like I’m just starting to discover myself. So many things about me are new.

I have a lot to be thankful for…and it’s all right in front of me. I need to live in the moment and feel gratitude and joy, and not get sucked into the “H&M and Express are no longer relevant to me” blues.  Because the past is in the past. That door must be closed and locked (BOLTED shut).  Every day is a new day…and THIS is the beginning of a new life.

So, I welcome 47. And I am going to make a promise to myself to live my life fully….and to let go of the past completely. To be present in every moment and to never cheat myself of feeling joy and gratitude for the many things that make my life rich.

Here’s my vow to myself on the beginning of this 47th year of my life:

• I vow to close the door to my past. To not dwell on the choices that are now done and over with. I will not carry the baggage from my past into my present. Those bags are packed and put away forever.

• I vow to live life fully. To be brave enough to embrace love, happiness and adventure.

• I vow to not let other’s judgements and criticisms get in the way of my happiness. I will live life on my terms and trust that I know what’s best for me.

• I will give my heart fully to those I love.

• I will love myself. Always.

 

Now, time for cake…and Mimosas! Happy birthday to me!