My ex was curled up on the floor in the fetal position. Smoke filled the room as flames closed in around him. I couldn’t move. I tried with all my might to reach him…but a force that wasn’t visible contained me. Every time I took a step towards him, the invisible energy pushed me back and held me there. I felt like one of those patients in surgery when the anesthesia goes wrong. They are awake but paralyzed and unable to move or communicate. I was sweating…I could hear the beads fall from my body and hit the hard oak floor in a steady rhythmic drip…drip…drip.

He lied there motionless, his eyes closed. I opened my mouth to cry out for him…but I couldn’t speak. There was no sound to my voice. Not even a hush. The flames were now circling him, inching closer to his pale skin. And just as a rogue ember inched ever so close to his face, I woke.

This was how I began my 50th birthday.

Dreams are interesting, aren’t they? They rarely ever mean what they seem to obviously imply…and it’s often difficult to pinpoint what the hell triggered the appearance of someone from your past during those wee small hours. But not this time. My dream needed no interpretation.

I’ve been reflective this week, leading up to my big 5-0.  I’ve thought about events and people I haven’t thought about in a long time.  It makes me a little sad to think that so much of my 40’s feel wasted. And that’s not for dramatics…it’s true. I made stupid choices. I hurt people. I got hurt. I walked through that decade in a fog-like existence…ignoring important truths and clinging to foolish notions. I lost myself…and subsequently I lost time.

So now what?

Well, as Socrates said so perfectly, “The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing.”  So…with that wisdom as my inspiration (and my muse) I am going to embrace this new decade of living by doing just that —I am challenging myself to live this year by doing 50 new things.

I struggled to define how I wanted to ring in my 50th year. Do I throw a big party (that felt indulgent and self-centered)? Do I take myself on a big trip (that felt even more indulgent)? I went on and on with this…and as it turns out, I planned nothing really. Except for this.

I have made a list of new things I want to try. The idea is to push my boundaries and to evolve my heart and my mind. I don’t want to waste one more second of my life on foolish thinking and careless encounters. I’ve done enough of that, and I have the scars to prove it. So I want to try new things that will allow me to grow…to learn…to test my strength, my capabilities, and my heart in new ways. They won’t all be big things…in fact, most of them will be small steps, little things that help me grow.

There are only 52 weeks in a year, so that’s pretty much one new thing every week (or so).  Some of my adventures will involve getting outside my comfort zone and pushing my limits, others will involve being more generous and giving back, and some will be joyful and maybe even a little indulgent. But I will be doing something new…something I’ve never done before 50 times throughout this year. This idea is not original. It was inspired by my friend Carole who embarked on the same journey leading up to her own big birthday (for the record, she supports me “stealing” her idea. I asked).

What good are the lessons if we don’t apply the learnings. I’ve learned a lot in these 50 years. Too many lessons to recount here. But if I had to sum those learnings up in one over-arching sentiment it would be this:

Your failures can crush you if you let them. Use the power that they bring to do better, to do good. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Ask for forgiveness. And move the fuck on with pride, wisdom and an unwavering zest for life.

So here I go, off to conquer this new decade with my eyes and my heart open. I will humbly accept what comes; the good, the bad, and I’ll approach it all with the wisdom acquired through my 50 years. And I hope I do it all with as much grace as I can muster.

So, the only question left to ask is, “which new thing will I do first?”

“Just try new things. Don’t be afraid. Step out of your comfort zones and soar, all right?” – Michelle Obama