I took a PTO day today for some much needed mental unplugging. I don’t even care that it’s raining. It’s just nice to sleep in and to NOT check email (OK. I did check email. And I had a conference call…but that’s it. I swear! Except for the 500 other times I’ll compulsively check email today). But still…I’m chillin’. Not quite like a villain, and thank God not on penicillin.

Can you tell I’m in need of a mental break. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Later today I’m heading out of town for a much needed rendezvous with Francis. Our plans: cocktails, delicious food and dancing, loads and loads of dancing. And, “No!”  Dancing is not a euphemism for something else. Dancing is the best therapy in the world. Seriously! You sweat like a mother. You burn a ridiculous amount of calories. And…if you do it right, you even throw in a good make out session here and there. Dancing at a dive bar — it’s my own personal Zumba.

You know those days when the stress in your life is just piling up and you find yourself kind of wandering through the day manically, racing from task to task, or from meeting to meeting in my case, and all of a sudden when you finally have 5 minutes to sit down you suddenly feel exhausted? I have a lot of those days.  So today when I got a solicitation email from a Professional Life Coach, I felt compelled to read it.

BIG MISTAKE.

This person was trying to sell me a membership package to her life coach toolkit that will “profoundly improve my life.”  I had no idea my life was so bad. I mean, the divorce was no picnic, but I was kind of thinking that I was actually starting to rock this new life.

I mean, I had no idea my life was lacking so many things. This woman was claiming to have all the tools I could ever need for “living the life I’ve always wanted.”  I skimmed through the email out of snarky curiosity and here’s the list of things she’s offering me:

• The Power of Mindset to Change Your Health, an audio interview with Katy Bowman of Nutritious Movement.
• A List-Making Starter Kit from Paula Rizzo, author of Listful Thinking
• The Story Effect, guidance on crafting an unforgettable story from Nikki Groom of TheFFactor.com
• 7 Principles of Dating from Rita Goodroe, dating coach
• A Guided Walking Meditation from Jonathan FitzGordon, founder of Core Walking
• The 5 Things the Most-Balanced Women Dofrom Susie Schnall, founder of The Balance Project
• The 7 Choices You Don’t Even Know You’re Making from me, your host
• Plus many more!

Shit! Who is this woman? And how the hell did she know I needed a “list-making starter kit?”  Are you kidding me?  Someone actually sells a “starter kit” for list making?  How effing hard is it to make a damn list?

My personal favorite is:  “The 7 choices you don’t even know you’re making.”  What is she? Some kind of stalker. How the hell does she know about my choices?  I am well aware of my choices, both good and bad. Like, when I sometimes order that third glass of wine. I know I’m going to wake up in the morning feeling like I just drank a glass of sand while a small mariachi band performs on my head. Or, when I splurge on a pair of shoes at DSW because….well, SHOES!  Or, like when I take store bought cupcakes with overly-processed icing to the school event. I am well aware that these choices are all sub-optimal. But I do it because that’s just how I roll. And I don’t need some well-put-together know-it-all stressing me out further by pointing out the MANY things I should be doing to “improve my life.”  All that shit is designed to play to our fears. And, all it does in the end is stress us out further. I honestly believe that most of us are just fine. But we’re too busy to realize it. We go through life racing from thing to thing; rarely stopping to breathe and to assess just how great our lives really are. Look, I pay my bills on time each month. I put money into savings each month. I am a good Mom. I show up to work every day and give 100%.  I mean….I got this.  So, take your damn “list making how-to” and shove it up your incredibly tight, self-congratulatory ass.

I actually met a life coach once. It wasn’t for me…it was for a story I was working on.  I found her to be incredibly intense, and really, really artificial. She kept quoting people whenever she spoke. I remember thinking that she didn’t have any ideas of her own. The whole meeting felt false and off-putting.

I’m all for bettering myself. I do things all the time to make my life better. I run. I take PTO days, like today, to unplug. I read all kinds of things. I do the best I can. And I’d say I’m doing pretty damn great, actually.

So…in the spirit of “personal growth,” I’m going to NOT check email any more today. I’m going to take a shower, and get ready for my little getaway. I don’t need a list, an email, or a how to video to be fulfilled. I have all the tools I need to live my best life: a brain, a heart, self-confidence and some really kick ass shoes.

Happy Friday!