It is a fact that I’ve been sicker this past winter than I’ve been my whole life. It began with a bout of strep throat in the fall, followed by a virus of sorts in January, followed by the grand finale, the flu just last week.

The flu was the worst of it, by far:  raging fever, achy bones (well, achy everything, actually…even my hair hurt), chills, and a cough that wouldn’t quit.  I felt terrible, and not just physically. The entire ordeal left me feeling like one big giant loser. I’m still on the mend. In fact just this morning I was greeted by our front desk extraordinaire with the following “You’re looking pretty pale, my dear. Are you sure you’re OK?”  My response: “Pale is the new black.” (I have no idea what that means).

Truth be told, I felt embarrassed by being so sick. I wondered what people thought of me. And, I wondered why I couldn’t fight off these random ailments. To me, it felt like some kind of personal weakness, not just “bad luck.”

I feel like I’ve become kind of whiney (I can hear the collective “no shit” ricocheting from your monitors). It’s true. I’ll admit it. And I don’t like it. Truth be told, I can’t stand whiney people. You know the type. People who always seem to be under the weather…or always seem to have something to complain about. People who are either too lazy or too unmotivated to better themselves.  I have no patience for that on any real level. And when I started to feel like I was becoming that myself, well…it was essentially one giant wake up call.

So, why did I seem to catch every bug, virus and ailment that came down the pike this winter? I think it’s a simple answer: a lack of self-care.

I started a new job in November.  My desire to really rock this role pushed me to work some long days, and added a bit of stress to my life that I wasn’t quite used to.  New job stress is intense for anyone. There’s a new culture to navigate, new colleagues to form connections with, and in my case new clients to impress and new expectations to meet. It’s a mental pressure that is constant. You can’t really relax because nothing yet feels comfortable. So much is new, and the waters you’re navigating are more or less unknown.

Additionally, I have been learning how to support myself financially. Which, is no small thing. At times this feels like a ten-ton elephant resting on my shoulders. I worry constantly about my ability to provide a good life for my daughter, while also ensuring that I am saving enough for my own future. The worry around all of that can feel downright crippling at times.

It’s no wonder I couldn’t fight off winter’s ailments. I was worn down. I stopped working out, I stopped eating well. I essentially focused the majority of my positive energy on my daughter and my job…and ignored the things that I needed to do to ensure I was staying strong and healthy.  That is such a mom thing, isn’t it? I often hear moms talking about how they “forgot to eat.”  We’ll often pack our child’s lunch in the morning but fail to put anything together for ourselves.  Honestly, it’s ridiculous. Most mornings it’s all I can do to get myself out the door on time. I wake up around 6, make my daughter breakfast, enjoy a cup of coffee and chat with her for a few minutes. Then she gets dressed, and I hop in the shower by 6:30. At 7:15 I kiss her goodbye as she heads off to the bus stop. I then put the finishing touches on my own self, and I’m out the door by 7:20 am. Never do I pack a lunch. Rarely have I eaten breakfast. It’s a routine devoid of self-care. And it’s ridiculous.

I’d like to continue to look “good for my age” (as a young 20-something recently told me). Was I that insensitive at 25? Probably. She has clearly not yet felt the sting from a back-handed compliment. I’m fairly certain she intended for it to be a positive statement. But still…jeez! So, I do realize that I need to prioritize my own wellness if I don’t want these back-handed compliments to be replaced with whispers of “she looks really old for her age.”

My lack of self-care aside, I will say that I do have a few things going for me.  I am proud of the steps I’ve taken to improve my life over the past year or so.  In the face of a lot of sadness and worry, I dug in and found a way afford. I did not give up. I refinanced my mortgage, saving me hundreds of dollars a month. I took on a new, more demanding job that pays me fairly…AND I’m rocking it (if I do say so myself)!  I also buckled down and created a budget that works, and I’m sticking to it. Each day I prove to myself that I am stronger, smarter and more capable than I think. And that makes me happier than you could possibly know. Because in the darkness of night, I have found the inner critic to be both unforgiving and powerful. Yet, I continue to prove her wrong. You see, I am not a failure. I am a warrior.

Now, if I could just remember to eat breakfast.