The snow is piling up out there. The clouds have already deposited at least a foot of the white stuff.  I love the way my yard looks when blanketed by winter’s pristine bounty. How is it these grey, depressing, looming clouds can be responsible for such a beautiful snowy landscape?

Spotify is on in the background. And Joni Mitchell’s version of “Both Sides Now” sung by the much older Joni, is setting the mood. This version is more raw and human than her original. If you haven’t heard it, do so. It’s a great piece of music. And if you’re a fan of humanity, as am I, you’ll really appreciate her honesty in this piece. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIYu4EHq0Lo

I’m 47. As I keep reminding myself.  Some days I feel every bit of 47: A little sore, a little broken, a lot tired. Other days I feel energized, hopeful and optimistic about life and love.  I suppose, like Joni, I’m looking at life from both sides now.

I saw a commercial for what is, in my humble opinion, the poorest excuse for a cup of coffee on the planet – Folger’s.  A young happy couple had just moved into their first home together. The wife makes her way out of bed and into the kitchen where she finds her husband rummaging through boxes. He asks her to help find coffee mugs. She happily agrees and a second later he pulls a soup bowl and a gravy boat from the box. They smile and chuckle and pour their coffee.  This commercial was not about coffee. It was about intimacy and ritual and the little things in everyday life that cement your purpose. Not a bad strategy for selling coffee…especially if you can’t rely on merits that actually matter, like taste.  As I watched these love birds in their oh so happy existence, I remembered feeling that way once…ok, twice. The magical moment when the two of you are just starting out — the new house, the memories yet to be made, all that optimism…it’s romantic.

My version of the commercial would have gone something like this: (Same strategy, different execution): woman wakes up alone in bed. Stretches. Rolls over. Goes back to sleep. Cut to a super buff man wearing nothing but  boxer briefs alone in the kitchen unpacking boxes while the pot of coffee brews.  He reaches into the box with his bulging biceps and pulls out two coffee mugs: One reads: “Mornings Suck.”  The other reads, “This might contain wine.”  Standing there with his fabulous six pack abs, he fills the mugs and takes them upstairs to his wife. He gently wakes her.  She grabs the mugs from his hands and places them on the night stand beside her. She then pulls that hunk of a man into bed where they spend the rest of the day.

Now that’s how you sell coffee.

I wouldn’t mind having a coffee commercial moment. Seriously. That all sounds pretty good to me. And, I’d say that’s pretty amazing, considering my previous failed attempts at love.

A year ago I drew a picture of my heart. I drew a broken line right down the middle…and little shards of the red muscle were falling off in tiny pieces. I also drew scars on the one side. I left the other side untouched – not really on purpose. The truth is, I imagine my heart to have loads of scars. Not unlike many of us, I could bullet point the things in my life that caused me great pain, major losses that date back to childhood.

I’ve had many people over the years ask me how I turned out to be “OK” given all that I endured so young. And, I don’t know…it’s an odd question to answer. Truth is, how the hell do I know?  It’s a damn miracle I didn’t end up a drug addict, or pregnant at 19.  Instead, I put myself through college and went on to build a career. A pretty good one, at that.  But the remnants of a tough life are very present. I have struggled with love.  I didn’t choose well. I allowed myself to be in relationships that were not great, that were pretty mean at times, actually.  I’ve allowed myself to be with people who treated me poorly. I didn’t realize I was doing it at the time. I guess you could say “the clouds got in my way.”

I drew my heart again, just this morning. The scars are faded, but present. And there are no falling pieces. It looks healthy. Love can break your heat. But your heart can heal.  So, maybe I know a little more about love than Joni Mitchell did when she first wrote “From Both Sides Now.” But only a little bit more. As for the clouds, I really don’t know clouds at all.

Both Sides Now – Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all