Tonight I will be preparing a traditional Thanksgiving meal for some very special people who have never experienced this American tradition.  I love cooking for people…especially people I’ve just met. It feels like such a welcoming gesture. A comfort of sorts.

There is something very comforting about this meal. I suppose the carb over-load might have something to do with it. But I think the comfort really stems from the preparation that goes into this feast.  You just don’t skimp on Thanksgiving. Things are prepared lovingly by scratch (as all meals should be).  Fresh rosemary and thyme provide the aromatics for the day. Butter, chicken stock and bourbon provide the richness that keeps this meal top of mind long after the dishes are cleaned.

The air has turned crisp and I lit a fire in the fireplace for the first time since March. And with the turn of the season brings a desire for something new. Last year at this time was an extraordinarily frightening and sad time in my life. The one year mark is just around the bend, and I feel this strong desire for change; perhaps to really ensure that I am far removed from my past. I do realize that part of taking back my life requires making some big changes…and I’m close. And I’m so ready.

Part of embracing change and enjoying all that it offers involves letting go completely of the past.  I am starting to question whether my current home is holding me back in some way from letting go. I am starting to feel like this house might be keeping someone in my orbit.  It’s hard to think about moving Abby out of this neighborhood that she adores (and I adore, as well).  But maybe it’s time to move out, to downsize and to move on.

The weight of worry I carry around these kinds of decisions can be a bit overwhelming. But this house isn’t everything. At the end of the day, it’s just a house. A house filled with bad ju ju….demons that still linger…no matter how much fresh paint I place on the walls. That presence is still here from time to time. And I am so over that. I want that presence gone. I turn a corner in my home on any random day and a memory might be triggered. A memory that has the power to bring sadness to the surface.  And that’s just not good. I thought I could stay here and reclaim this space as my own. But I’m realizing that’s just not happening. I can’t seem to get there completely.  And I need to be rid of this demon. I deserve peace and happiness.

I haven’t made my mind up completely…and it hurts to think about leaving this home that I love. But I do know that I need change in my life.  The winter is only a few months away….and it scares me a little. I don’t want to feel sad again. I don’t want to be stuck in this house feeling lonely and trapped, like I did last winter.  So that just might be my motivation to make a big change. We’ll see.

In the meantime, I’ll lose myself in the comfort of a Thanksgiving feast with some really fantastic people.  And maybe the preparation and rituals of today will do their part to exercise some of those demons that still linger. Maybe new friends and comfort food will make this space feel fresh.  Now isn’t that a lovely thought?

And I think I’ll begin by trying a new turkey recipe. No offense to my old trusty “Bourbon Turkey” deliciousness…but I think today demands a new go of it.  Yep. Out with the old and in with the new. And I’m not just talkin’ turkey.

Gobble gobble.