Today is one of those “blue” days. I have them from time to time. It used to surprise me how seemingly out of nowhere the sadness would surface. But now I’ve just come to accept it. I know it will be fleeting. I’ll feel it, sit in it for a little bit, and then let it go.

After chatting with a good friend about this, it occurred to me that the holiday weekend is most likely to blame for today’s “blue” episode.

I’ll be spending the weekend with my daughter and we have plans to see some dear friends over the weekend, but the loneliness still lingers. It’s there, nagging at me like a pesky little toddler looking for a treat in the cookie jar. It just pokes and prods until I’ve finally had enough and either give in or just snap.  I refuse to snap.

I think my mood has something to do with all those happy little posts I see on social media about the long holiday weekend:  “Heading to the beach with the family for a great long weekend.”  Or, “Going away for a romantic getaway. Maybe I’ll get lucky!”  Good for you, asshole. I hope your entire weekend is ruined with rain and hail and bad food that leaves you strapped to the toilet in your overpriced 5-star love den.  All of the “My life is totally freakin’ awesome. I’m awesome. Everything’s awesome” posts are just a little annoying right now.  Today, it’s hard to be happy for happy people. And I’m not going to apologize about it.

I think about my ex and imagine him with his new girlfriend, maybe going to the beach for the weekend. Maybe hopping a flight for a fun getaway. I romanticize his life.  I suppose I do so because it hurts me to know that he’s moved on so fully. That he’s found love and new friends and created a whole new life devoid of me.  It’s ridiculous…I know. And I will say…with all honesty…that those thoughts are few and far between. But on the rare occasion when they do surface, they can be powerful.

And…while I’m on the topic (kind of) of stuff that just irritates me, what is up with this trend to put words on our walls?  Over-priced metal letters spelling out things like “Love”  “Family” and “Home.”  Um….why do you need the word “home” hanging on the wall in your….uh….HOME?  Do these people need reminded that they are sitting in their home? Are they suffering from some kind of memory loss/disorder?  “Hey, Judy! This is your home. See, it says so right there on your dining room wall.”  This confuses me.

I think I’m going to put the following word on my wall:  “Wall.”  Or maybe “Bored”.  Oh, or how about “Meh” – you know, just to remind myself how I’m feeling.  Or, maybe I’ll just get the whole damn alphabet in distressed beach wood so that I can change up the “décor” depending on my mood.  I’ll use positive words when company comes to visit: “Happy,”  “Drunk,”  “Sassy.”  I’ll save the more moody variety just for me: “Snarky,”  “Pissed Off,”  “Resentful.”  Note to self: Visit Home Goods.

In all seriousness, I am very much looking forward to spending the weekend with my daughter. I am blessed beyond knowing to be her Mommy. She fills me up like no one or nothing ever could. We will laugh and play and enjoy the last bits of the summer sun. And my love for her will push the sadness to the background yet again, and in its place gratitude and joy will emerge.

I am learning how to live again. So many things feel new. But from time to time, I’m reminded of something old.  And the loss stings me once again. But I take comfort in knowing that the hurt is fleeting. That deep down I’m rooted in a strength that is unmeasurable. And…I don’t need letters on the wall to prove it.

Cheers!